not a crotch

What I'd Like My Sisters To Understand

What I'd Like My Sisters To Understand

What somebody does to us when we are young, it wasn't our fault.

When we protect ourselves from harm when we are young, the harm, and the way we protect ourselves, are not our fault.

When other people get hurt in the fallout, that's not our fault.

People try and fail and fail horribly. When they realize and admit their errors and they repent they can be forgiven. When they know full well the error of their ways but refuse to admit wrongdoing they do more harm, doubly so when they deflect the blame or claim innocence, and worst of all, when they blame those that they've attacked.

When those that have been witness to the harm, and to the reactions to the harm, to the sobbing and the screaming and the rebellions and the running away and the madness, when those people that might have been allies try to blame the target for what happened to all of us when we were young, that is also causing more harm. To us all.

Does the blame lie on the shoulders of our mad, twisted, evil, angry, satanic, insane, narcissistic main parental figure? I'm not sure. I don't think so. At least no entirely. But the blame does not lie, not even one tiny minuscule little bit, on the vulnerable, growing, terrified, trusting, cornered, betrayed, beaten and abused child. No way. No how.

And should the grown up child be blamed for not being able to grow up and get over it and just deal with it and instead wanting no more exposure to the still toxic and venomous she parent that still has the power to cut and burn and batter?

According to my sisters, yes, I should risk deep harm for their sake. To make their lives easier. To share the burden of taking care of our aging mother. I should be the bigger person and be strong and grow up and get a thicker skin and not let her bother me and all that jazz so that they can take care of her less than they're taking care of her already.

They were taken care of by her when they were children. They weren't the constant target of her anger, I was. I was kicked out at 18 and left to fend for myself with a high school diploma and my own untreated raging mental illness that was aggravated to wild heights by our mother's own untreated raging mental illness. They were given an all expenses paid roof over their heads until they graduated from an expensive university and were ready to confidentiality go out into the world and get good steady jobs and buy property and marry or not marry as they choose. I missed out on all that and I've been rebounding and ricocheting all over my life ever since to this day in my 54th year of living. I have yet to calm down and get over being intensely abused on a daily basis for 18 years and then having those wounds reopened periodically and acid poured into them if I didn't get away quick enough. I can not just deal with her. And they can. And they think I should too. Because, well, I don't know why they'd think that. Wishful thinking?

Either way, fuck that noise. Fuck it hard, fuck it sharp, and fuck it deep. I. Am. Done. I allowed her to be in my life and breathe my air at holidays because of our father. Now that he is gone she's worse, and I am not having it. I had my own pain to nurse when he died and being anywhere near her only made it harder.

My sisters can take care of her till she dies. They might feel like they owe her a debt. I feel like she owes me and owes me large and owes me in a way that she'll never be able to repay, not in a million years. My sisters had years of support from her when they were young and needed it, they can give her years of support when she is old and needs it. I didn't get in on that deal.

I don't feel like I owe my sisters anything either. Where were they when I was living on my own and they were still at home? Was there any outreach? Any attempt on their part to call me? To check on me? To, god forbid, support me, at least emotionally, as sisters? There was nothing. They were out of my life too. My entire family, the good and the bad, gone, at 18. For almost two years. Granted, I didn't call them either. I didn't call any of them. Not then. But I have tried over the years to get close with my sisters. Tried many a time. And have they EVER tried with me? Been the initiators? Shown that they cared unless I had to ask them to show it, like when I lived with Donna for 9 months when I was jobless and homeless, when our father died? Nope. And why not? I don't know, I've never gotten an answer, except hints that they were scared of me when we were kids and I assume maybe they still are and I don't know what they think I'm going to do to them now - I don't know what. I want to know. I've asked. It's like pulling fucking teeth to get an answer from either of them if I can even get them to talk about it. They are frustrating as fuck.
not a crotch


Holy shit new episodes of Better Call Saul.

People are helpful because they want to demonstrate that they're of use to the tribe. I find that pathetic. A little. On one hand. I also find that logical. And sad. And sort of sweet in an innocent way.

I wonder how much of what we do is to prove that we are of use to the tribe, in one way or the other. 

I almost got fired. My coworker told me so. Because my boss told her. She stood up for me. Go coworker. She is the best thing about working there. Has been from the start. 

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not a crotch

(no subject)

 My coworker today asked me why I won't kill any of the flies that we get  in the office. One day we must have had a mass birthing because we had  like 50 in the office. I spent most of the day capturing them and  releasing them and she spent her time swatting at them. I didn't try and  stop her and she came as close as she dared to trying to stop me. That  was a couple of week ago. Today we had just two interlopers in the  office and she asked, sincerely, why I wouldn't kill them. I gave her a  few lame answers but the real one is that she doesn't know them like I  do and she doesn't see them like I see them. I've seen a vast array of  behaviors, emotions and personalities. One pretty great photographer,  fairly early on in my photoging adventures, gave me the best compliment,  he said that I had the unique ability to bring out the puppy in even a  wasp. I see the puppy in them. And I see the fear in them when someone  is trying to hurt one too. I see it as clearly as I'd see it in your  face. I couldn't kill you either. 

not a crotch

Blatant sexism

I'm remembering something I heard today in Maya Angelou's, "Letter to My Daughter." Maya turned down a job because the women who wanted to hire Maya also wanted to make sure Maya knew her place. And Maya politely refused to work with this woman because she knew the woman would not provide her with an agreeable work environment. And this was a lesson on being kind, true to oneself and also sticking up for yourself. I would not have taken this picture because it is an insult to every woman I know, including myself. And I would not take this if it was just the men whose mouths were covered either. I would refuse to profit from sexism. I'd rather starve.
not a crotch

Trying to learn to love winter

I just looked outside and said, out loud, to myself, because that's how I roll, anyway, I noticed that "The light is getting beautiful." Then I glanced at the time, and thought, "Already." And noticed that the old me would have sighed in despair at the gold hour coming on so early because it's winter. Because I used to not like winter and all of the signals that it was coming. But I think I'm finally starting to change that. Which is a goal. There's no point in disliking an entire season of the year, which is a very large chunk of one's life. There is, however, I think, great benefit from learning to love all of the seasons. Or at least appreciate them all.

A few people I work with bemoaned the fact that we were leaving work and it was already dark out. I noticed that we were right at the start of the blue hour, which has it's own special beauty. And the setting crescent moon was gorgeous. And I wished on the first star I saw.
not a crotch

The racist is deeply afraid of the terrorist...

The racist is deeply afraid of the terrorist because the racist knows exactly how the monster is created. The racist knows this because they have created and encouraged their own monsters and they know exactly what those monsters are capable of.

The white supremacists – the KKK – who claim close ties to Christianity – are created, for the most part, by Christian racists. They are fueled by Christian racists. They are encouraged by Christian racists. The Christian racist secretly and sometimes not so secretly condones the acts of terrorism committed by white supremacists.

The Muslim extremists – the jihadists – are created, for the most part, by Muslim racists. They are fueled by Muslim racists. They are encouraged by Muslim racists. The Muslim racists secretly and sometimes not so secretly condone the acts of terrorism committed by the jihadists.

Are all Christians racists? No. Are all Muslims racists? No. Do all racists give their consent to terrorism? No. Do we understand that every one of us is a racist to one degree or the other? Yes, I think we understand that. Do we understand that it is of the utmost importance to fight the racism within ourselves and to loudly proclaim that we will not let that fear of the outsider dominate us? Some of us understand that. I understand that. And I want everyone to understand that. I want every single one of us to fight that fight and to stop encouraging the monster.
not a crotch

On the six degress of seperation and the affects of negative energy

When I was active on Live Journal many, many years ago they had over 7 million users. Some guy wrote a program to determine how many degrees of separation you were from any other LJ user. I had LJ friends from all over the world, from all age groups, ethnicities, religious beliefs, you name a group, I was friends with someone in it. I was fascinated with this little program and ran it for just about all of my friends - and the degrees of separation were consistently much less than six - they were usually as low as three or four. And I decided to try this out with random strangers that I picked from large groups and still the same thing. In fact, out of thousands (did I say I was obsessed? yeah) of attempts over many years I think I had maybe two or three instances where two strangers were linked by more than five degrees. And now the point. Bad things happen in the world. They affect most people negatively. Those negatively affected people interact with other people and they spread a diluted version of this negative energy to those they meet. I define negative energy to be a directly observable thing - say the person is grumpy, or they don't smile when they always smile, or they're distracted and don't focus on a task and produce a shoddy piece of work - whatever - point is - their interactions with the world are degraded because of this negative energy that they received. Obviously - the worse the bad thing, the more negative energy is spread. To me I see it all very much like a bomb. You still with me? Okay. I refuse to let negative energy OF ANY SORT go unanswered because it directly effects this massive web of life on this planet that I am directly attached too. This is self preservation baby. I also happen to care deeply for my family and close friends so I want them taken care of too. I also care, to a lesser extent, because one is only capable of caring deeply for a limited amount of people, but I still care about everyone and everything in this lovely web because it all literally will come back to me. So. When I see people misbehaving - which I define as people causing other people anguish - and hell fucking o - we've got a shit storm of that in this country right now - I would be a complete idiot to not call out those who are causing the anguish. Put another way - you step on me - or those that are in this with me - which is EVERYONE ON THE PLANET - I yell. I don't put up with it.
not a crotch

I miss my boyfriend

But I got a ton of shit done today. Research. Watched a pet sitting biz video. Skimmed my new book on the pet sit biz. Completed my master to do list. Read some message boards. Talked to a friend for an hour and a half. Walked the dog. Made a pop tart.

He'll be back on Wednesday night. But still, yeah, I miss the hell out of him.
not a crotch

Pet Sitting Biz Startup

I've been working on this idea for a little over 4 weeks now. The second week of that time was spent on a friends and family visit vacation in NJ. I have picked up since then and things are starting to begin to come together. I want to document the steps and my progress. Because I'm like that.


Today I:

- Participated in some discussions on the Professional Pet Sitters and Dog Walkers message board on LinkedIn:

- Found there this free bunch of seminars from a woman who makes me laugh, I've seen her around in the pet sit biz stuff - she markets herself as being able to help anyone create a six figure pet business - which is all fine and good and according to D, the woman that my friend C introduced me to and an owner of a pet sitting business herself, that lofty goal is entirely possible and she's near that after only 4 years. My friend C works for D's company as a pet sitter so I'll be able to ask her questions about the day to day stuff. I got about a half an hour of D's time on the telephone and she was fantastically helpful and answered all of my questions and gave me lots of advice. So anyway, yeah, I signed up for the seminars on this site:

- Today I will watch a seminar online - for free - actually it's called a webinar - don't like that term much but whatever. It starts in a half an hour and I found that through which is a free mentoring site which is part of the Small Business Association. This one is on how to build a website. I intend to watch all of the other applicable seminars they have and there are a lot. Yesterday I signed up for a mentor of my own to help me with accounting questions. They're supposed to either email or call me. Haven't heard from anyone as of yet. And ha! Just signed in - 12 minutes early - and they're playing classical music - reminds me of Rosalie blasting the conference call hold music from her office speakerphone. I muted it.

Stuff I learned before I had to closed the window because he was whizzing through it all way too fast for me to be able to absorb. But. He did point out that it is all being recorded and will be available online whenever I want to go back and I will go back. Anyway - notes are:
get a branded email account
create a domain name
need to build a responsive website so it fits on all devices
get hosting

- I cancelled email alerts from Rubbermaid and from Careers in Food for Purchasing job listings. And RatRaceRebellion. And State of NC Parks Department jobs which I did with a pang because that's what I'd really love to do - work in a park. I'll be canceling other alerts as they appear in my mail box. Yesterday I had to wrestle with applying for a position or not and had a long talk with myself about it (John listened) and decided that I don't need those kind of distractions and if I ever change my mind I can always go back to looking for a Purchasing job. That I haven't found in almost a year of looking here.

branded email account
create a domain name
need to build a responsive website so it fits on all devices

- Had a great talk with a mentor guy from SCORE - they called - he's setting up another meeting for me with some local people to meet with me in person and go over my business plan - which is the 20 projects that I've created for myself.

Today I want to create a timeline for all of these projects.
not a crotch

(no subject)


Grilled Jerk Shrimp and Pineapple Skewers
Prep Time: 10 minutes Marinate Time: 20 minutes Cook Time: 10 minutes Total Time: 40 minutes Servings: 4
Spicy grilled jerk marinated shrimp and sweet and juicy pineapple skewers!

1 pound (20-25 or 16-20) shrimp, peeled and deveined
1/2 cup jerk marinade
2 slices pineapple, cut into 1/2 inch pieces
Marinate the shrimp in the the half of the jerk marinade for at least 20 minutes and up to over night, skewer the shrimp and pineapple and grill over medium-high heat until cooked, about 2-3 minutes per side.
Prep Time: 10 minutes Total Time: 10 minutes Servings: 4
A quick and easy homemade jerk marinade!

Jerk Marinade Ingredients
1+ scotch bonnet pepper
2 cloves garlic
1 tablespoon ginger, grated
2 green onions
1 tablespoon thyme, chopped
1 tablespoon allspice
3/4 teaspoon nutmeg
3/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon pepper
1 tablespoon brown sugar
1 tablespoon oil
2 tablespoons white vinegar
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 tablespoon dark rum
1/2 orange, juice and zest
1 lime, juice and zest